Til The Morning Comes
by Adarian
Summary: After a disastrous affair with Cullen that leaves her pregnant and alone, Hawke seeks comfort with a rival, hoping Anders will help both her and her unborn child out of the city. Written for a kink-meme prompt.


Hawke would not allow herself to cry before she made it to the clinic. She had to hold it together as she made her way through the streets of Darktown. She had to keep up appearances, for just a few minutes more.

The lantern was on, burning brightly in the night. She hesitated before knocking. Anders had every reason to toss her back out, but she had nowhere else to go.

Anders opened the door, took one look at her, and started to close it again. She grabbed it, pushing it open enough for his eyes to meet hers.

"Please," she begged, "Please let me come in."

He hesitated, glancing around briefly before allowing her in.

"I half thought you'd have a couple of Templars behind you," he chuckled darkly, "Though I guess I'm not expendable to you quite yet. What is it? You hit your head a little too hard?"

He turned, his face softening, "Hawke...Hawke, you're as pale as a ghost. What's wrong?"

Hawke felt dizzy and she started falling forward, not resisting as Anders caught her and placed her on his examining table. She felt his fingers resting on her pulse, his face concentrated as he looked her over.

"Your heart's racing," he said in concern, "Just relax. I'll bring you a bit of tea and we'll get your blood sugar back up. You feel a little warm too. It might just be the flu, there's a nasty bug going around Lowtown, I'm not surprised you picked it up."

"It's not that," she smiled weakly.

Anders frowned, coming back with her drink. He encouraged her to sit up, supporting her back.

"Maybe I should be your patient more often," she commented, "I think this is the nicest you've ever been to me."

"I'm always nice to my patients," he replied, "Particularly when they're not trying to tell me I live every facet of my life wrong. Now, come clean, Hawke. It's the middle of the night. You're alone, you seem to know what's wrong. I need to sleep eventually, so just spit it out."

Hawke wanted to be on the complete opposite side of the room. She wanted to be as far from him as possible when she told him. She really did not know how he would react, but she had seen him upset before and she did not have the strength to deal with it tonight.

Despite her concerns, she waited until he had risen, his back to her as he worked at his supply table.

Meeker than she had ever spoken before, Hawke murmured, "I'm pregnant."

Anders froze and Hawke's heart raced, waiting for him to turn around.

After what seemed like an eternity, Anders asked, "Have you told the father?"

Hawke said quietly, "He wasn't...supportive."

Anders finally came back to her side and she sat up, her feet dangling off the table.

To her great surprise, he asked, "Are you alright?"

She felt her body shake as she sobbed. Anders held her and she buried her face into his neck. She was barely aware when he picked her up and brought her into his small bedroom, lying her down in his bed. She lay under his meager blankets as he sat beside her on a worn out chair.

She managed to calm herself enough to be able to say, "I thought Cullen would understand. I really did. It wasn't like I was trying to, it just happened. I wanted to know what he thought we should do. Then he said...then he said that we were a mistake and he had a greater duty. He said when the baby is born, he would take her to the Chantry himself. I argued with him, but he said that if I resisted or left town, he would bring me to the Gallows himself."

Anders said nothing as she continued, "So where's the lecture, Anders? You told me yourself that I was being the Templars' whore. Come on now. Shouldn't you tell me I had it coming? Aren't you going to call me a hypocrite? Where's the lecture, abomination, where is it?"

Anders asked, "If that was what you thought would happen, why did you come here?"

She felt herself begin to cry again as she whispered, "I didn't know where else to go. I have no family. The only friends I have would gladly turn me in themselves. But you...you have to help me. You help apostates all the time. Even ones you hate."

Anders said quietly, "I don't hate you. I pitied you."

Hawke looked up blearily as he said, "You were born free, Hawke. You saw what happened to other mages. You have a freedom so many would die for. And you did nothing to help your brothers and sisters. I thought at first you were just cruel, but I began to realize that you were just so far in denial it would only be when it affected you yourself that you would begin to change. It seems I was right."

"You son of a bitch," she cursed, "You still think this is about your cause?"

"I think this is about you," he said, "I think you're finally starting to understand and that terrifies you. This isn't something you can use your money or connections to get out of. You finally understand what being a mage means and that's why you came to me."

She wanted to resist the accusation. She started to get out of the bed, but she hesitated, looking back at him as he watched her passively.

"I knew what it meant," she said quietly, "My father beat it into me every day. I had to be better, stronger, I had to fight. But the truth was, I was glad enough not to have to fight anymore. I thought he was wrong, I thought that the Circle kept us safe. I thought that reasonable mages could be free and the others just locked away. I didn't want to be punished for the bad ones. I could rationalize being part of a system that works. But I did everything right, Anders, and now I'm being punished too. I don't think you're suddenly a sage. I just...I realize that doing everything right won't keep me safe anymore, or this baby."

"You don't have to keep it," Anders said gently, "You can go back to what it was all like before. I wouldn't tell a soul, you know that."

"I thought about that," she admitted, "But...I couldn't. I tried to rationalize it to myself, but the thought of it broke my heart. I'm the last person in my family. I couldn't lose another piece of me."

Anders stood, "What did you need from me?"

Hawke said quietly, "You get people out everyday. I need out of the city, maybe back to Ferelden, I don't know. I have money, whatever you need. I just have to get away from him, I have to keep us safe."

Anders replied, "It's a lot easier to get an anonymous apostate out rather than the Champion of Kirkwall. Your face is pretty recognizable and my contacts are getting fewer and fewer."

"I can't go back to the Estate," she pleaded, "Please. He'll know, he'll find me. I'm just so scared, Anders. Please."

Anders sighed and said, "You'll stay here tonight. I'll contact the Underground in the morning."

She nodded, returning back to the bed, shivering.

"Move over," he said.

She glared at him and he sighed, "It gets cold in the clinic at night. I can't afford to keep a fire going. I'll keep my clothes on."

He kicked his boots off before lying beside her. He settled quickly, closing his eyes immediately.

"Why are you helping me?" She asked quietly.

Anders groaned, "Hawke, I've worked all day and now I have to share half my tiny bed. I'm exhausted. Let me sleep."

"I'm sorry," she murmured, rolling to face the wall.

He sighed and said softly, "Because you asked me. If you had asked me before, I would have helped you. I can't let a fellow mage suffer. Even you."

"You said you didn't hate me."

"It doesn't mean I don't resent you."

Hawke rolled over again, "What do you want from me? I'm escaping with the rest of your precious blood mage apostates. I'm a hypocrite. You won, what more do you want from me? I've had to come beg for help from you. What more do you want me to do?"

"I wanted you to fight," he said quietly, "You have more power than any other mage in the city. And you allowed them to hunt us down. When I met you...I thought I saw something in you. I thought I found an ally, a friend, maybe even-"

He stopped himself and said, "I placed ideals on you that I had no justification for. I shouldn't blame you for being who you are. I just wanted more from you."

"When I met you," Hawke said softly, "I saw my father. You don't look anything like him, it's just...I saw someone who would do whatever it took. Someone self-loathing and angry, and would make me suffer for failing. I could have cared what you thought or I could have moved on with my life."

"I used to be a selfish man," Anders admitted, "I drank, I screwed half of Ferelden. I kept escaping from the Tower just because I thought I deserved freedom. Not even for everyone else, but I just wanted it for myself. Justice changed that, stripped it from me. I shouldn't blame you for being human."

"Anders," Hawke chuckled, "Are we having a sincere conversation?"

She could hear him smile as he replied, "It only took us five years."

"Do you miss it? Being selfish?"

"It was a lot more fun," he said, rolling onto his side, "I'm a little envious. I never managed to get a Templar into bed. Though Maker knows, I definitely tried."

Hawke said nothing and he murmured, "I'm sorry."

Hawke whispered, "I don't know if I ever really loved him. I liked him...I cared for him. And I just felt safe. I felt like he wouldn't hurt me. People don't hurt people they love. And then, it was all gone. It was like it had never really happened. I just...I guess I just forgot. People like us don't get happily ever afters."

"One day people like you and me can fall in love, and there will be no Circle, no Templars to tear them apart. That's what I've been fighting for. So nothing like this would ever happen to you."

He cleared his throat, "To all mages."

She inched closer to him, pressing her body against his as he froze.

"I'm cold," she said, "Is it okay?"

He nodded, "It's fine."

She closed her eyes, settling into sleep. She heard him breathing softly and she relaxed, her hand absentmindedly holding him to her.

oOo

She woke with a start, hearing Anders groan painfully in his sleep. She brushed her hand against his shoulder and he shook as he opened his eyes.

"Are you okay?" She asked.

He sighed, nodding, "It was just a bad dream. Sorry. Go back to sleep. I'm just going to get some water."

She could see his frame better as he stood up. He had tossed off his shirt in the middle of the night and was walking in only his pants into the clinic. She flushed a little, turning back over to face the wall. He returned a few minutes later, lying down beside her again.

His body felt warm to her, like sitting at a fireside. She felt herself be drawn to him, curling around his body. He seemed to be receptive to it, pulling his legs up in order to be closer to her.

"If I didn't know better," he chuckled, "I'd think you were trying to spoon with me. Is the clinic really that cold?"

She rested her hand on his hip, murmuring, "I could see your cock through your clothes."

"It happens to men when they're woken up suddenly," he said jokingly, "I'm sure your Templar had them when he raced off guiltily in the morning."

"How long has it been, Anders, since someone touched you?"

She slipped her hand into his breeches and grasped his erection. He gasped suddenly and said, "You don't have to do this. You're flooded with pregnancy hormones. You'd hump my bed if I wasn't here."

She stroked softly, caressing. She loved the feel of him beneath her hand, having him completely under her control and whim. She rested her head against his shoulder.

She whispered, "I know you want me. I could see it from the moment we met. Why not indulge? Just once. You'll sleep better, better than you've slept in years. Let me touch you."

He whimpered, his cock throbbing in her hands. He grunted as she picked up pace, thrusting into her hand.

"What makes you think this is the first time I've indulged?" He groaned, "It's been years, Hawke. You think I've been pining for you this whole time? How self-centered do you have to be-"

His words caught off as he moaned. She held him to her, expecting his release to come shortly. She felt him flex beneath her fingers, but he remained hard as a rock.

"I see no one has told you about Grey Warden stamina," he chuckled, "It's going to take more than that to get me off."

She flushed, her body aching, her sex wet and wanting. She did not resist as he flipped over, kissing her hard. He pushed her against the bed, his cock rubbing against her sex as he kissed her hungrily. She moaned as his lips parted from hers.

"I've spent five years aching for you," he whispered, "If you want me, I will make you forget any other man. If this is all you want from me, then you will have it. But Maker, I want every inch of you."

She kissed him without hesitation, his hands pulling at her stays. Her clothes were tossed across the room with ease and she felt his mouth trail down her belly and envelop her sex. His tongue pushed inside of her, licking her so roughly she thought she would come apart right there and then.

His tongue left her, his fingers replacing their task as his lips sucked on her clit. She could feel the groan in his mouth and she came quickly. He slid from her, grasping her thighs around his waist as he pushed himself into her. She cried out, holding him to her as he thrust. Her hand slipped between them, touching herself as he thrust.

"What would you do then?" She groaned, "If a simple hand job wasn't enough?"

"I tried harder," he grunted.

She moaned as the orgasm hit her and she shook. He flipped her onto her stomach, entering her from behind. He pounded into her, grabbing her hip. The other hand touched her clit, rubbing lightly. She came twice more, the crests overlapping each other to the sound of his moans.

Her legs were practically trembling when he finally came, pushing into her until he was fully sheathed. She moaned tiredly, falling into the bed in exhaustion. He laid beside her, holding her to him.

"Was that what you wanted, Hawke?" He teased, "Did I indulge myself enough for your tastes?"

"If I had known you were that good," she sighed, "I would have jumped you five years ago."

He kissed her neck and she froze. She could feel it in him, she could feel the look in his eyes when he was inside of her. Cullen had never looked at her like that. It was wild and it was passionate, but it was deep, deeper than she could have imagined. She knew he lusted for her, as she had often fantasized about him. But this...this was something different from that.

"Anders," she murmured, "I don't know if this was such a good idea..."

"You're right," he whispered, kissing her neck, "I was going for five times."

"No," she said, rolling to face him, "I mean...this. I'm leaving. I'm pregnant with some else's baby. And here...I just..."

"You feel it too," he sighed, cupping the side of her face, "Hawke...there was a reason you came to me. You know it. It's okay to admit it. What harm is there? We just slept together. You're lying in my bed, it's just the two of us. You can say it."

"I can't," she whispered, "I can't-"

"Hawke," he said softly, "I love you."

She looked into his eyes as he said, "I love you. You drive me crazy, but you're strong, smart, and so beautiful. If I had ever thought you might be willing to have me...now here you are. You had other allies in this city, but you came to me. If you want to pretend this never happened or that it was just a tumble...I understand. But I think you love me too."

She kissed him and he wrapped his arms around her, holding the back of her head.

She said, "I can't love a man who loves any cause more than me. I know men like you, Anders. I know that you can't be a father, a husband. Because there will always be something else. I'm scared and I'm alone and I'm selfish. I don't know if someone like you can really love someone else."

Anders murmured, "What do I have to do to prove I can?"

"Come with me," she pleaded, "This should have been your baby. We should have been together years ago but we were both so stupid and foolish. Show me that you're willing to give this up for me. And I'm yours, forever. I'll live as an apostate with you. I'll even help you with this stupid quest. But we need to leave Kirkwall. We can't be together here, there's too much here for us to really have a chance."

"Okay," he whispered, tears streaming down his face.

"Is it really that easy with Justice?"

He nodded, "He'll let me. It'll be difficult, but I can do it."

"Are you sure?"

He kissed her, their bodies pressing together as she felt him stirring against her. She laughed as he pushed her down into the sheets and they came together again.

oOoOo

A little island town off the coast of the Free Marches. Hawke had picked it out from the side of the boat, knowing this was where their lives would start together. Anders started another clinic and she joined him, learning more of the magical craft she had long restrained.

When the child came, a beautiful baby girl, Hawke saw the glow on Anders' face when he held her in his arms for the first time. It was then, when he saw how much he loved this child, that she agreed to marry him.


End file.
